“Good farts will open doors that the best education cannot.” Clarence Thomas
“You’ve gotta fart like there’s nobody watching.” William W. Purkey
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Farts are a normal part of life and everyone does them – little ones, big ones and some that can strip wallpaper. But there’s a time and a place and so here Professor Guffington  explains his guide to good fartiquette
Pumping gas may be normal, but society expects that it's usually done in private, and rightly so. An alarmingly loud ripping noise and a foul stench can offend even the most tolerant of people, and in extreme cases can result in mass panic and gasping for air:
If you find that you desperately need to fart there are a few things thing can do:
Go to the toilet and flush (the well-known fart and flush technique). Quickly whip out a trumpet and start playing The Wind Beneath My Wings to cover the noise. Stick your bum out of the window and tell everyone you’re just cooling it down.
If you really can’t cover it up here are a few handy things to say that will put everyone at ease following a fart or two:
Speak on sweet lips that never told a lie! I see the frog’s made it back into the house. Speak up caller, you’re through! Did someone step on a duck? You’ll have to buy that now madam, you’ve ripped it They’re firing again sir, they’re firing! Ah! The voice of the turtle-dove, first harbinger of Spring!
Keep calling sir, we’ll find you! Quickly Carruthers, get the net! We’ve found one! Try to sew a badge on that! We can hear you. Knock once for yes, twice for no. A capital idea, Watson! He’s not here. Can I ask who’s calling?
That would be lovely. Milk and two sugars please. I believe the killer is in this very room! (and then look around accusingly.) That one’s got to be worth something. I’ll put it on eBay. I wonder what’s on the other channels? I see the band’s tuning up. Thank you, your opinion has been noted.
Fartiquette -- A Guide to Bottom Manners
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Fartiquette
Farts are a normal part of life and everyone does them – little ones, big ones and some that can strip wallpaper. But there’s a time and a place and so here Professor Guffington explains his guide to good fartiquette
Pumping gas may be normal, but society expects that it's usually done in private, and rightly so. An alarmingly loud ripping noise and a foul stench can offend even the most tolerant of people, and in extreme cases can result in mass panic and gasping for air:
If you find that you desperately need to fart there are a few things thing can do:
Go to the toilet and flush (the well-known fart and flush technique). Quickly whip out a trumpet and start playing The Wind Beneath My Wings to cover the noise. Stick your bum out of the window and tell everyone you’re just cooling it down.
If you really can’t cover it up here are a few handy things to say that will put everyone at ease following a fart or two:
Speak on sweet lips that never told a lie! I see the frog’s made it back into the house. Speak up caller, you’re through! Did someone step on a duck? You’ll have to buy that now madam, you’ve ripped it They’re firing again sir, they’re firing! Ah! The voice of the turtle-dove, first harbinger of Spring!
Keep calling sir, we’ll find you! Quickly Carruthers, get the net! We’ve found one! Try to sew a badge on that! We can hear you. Knock once for yes, twice for no. A capital idea, Watson! He’s not here. Can I ask who’s calling?
That would be lovely. Milk and two sugars please. I believe the killer is in this very room! (and then look around accusingly.) That one’s got to be worth something. I’ll put it on eBay. I wonder what’s on the other channels? I see the band’s tuning up. Thank you, your opinion has been noted.